And suddenly everything that I am doing and all of the jobs I am digging up all have a reason a purpose and a rhyme, adding to the cumulative that is to be my life path. Go figure. Those 40 hour work weeks amounted to absolutely nothing but a measly paycheck. It is so true. Know what you are passionate for and figure out a way to earn a living doing it.
Not half-way not part-way but just a new rewrite, inspiration, dog-gone creative exhaustion, spent days of refueling and expelling to the point of empty so you can fill up on more to run the cycle again, spin not rinse. Where are all the people who fire my soul and make me want to believe in not just myself but everything and everyone. Bukowski wrote drunk crazy broke. What’s your excuse? Or are you not yet tired of making them still.
My mom called me the other night and told me to get on this, travel the world, and then go do whatever the hell I wanted, whether it was starting my own photography business or going to law school. But just to not wait because it’d be too late. I thought she was crazy but maybe she was just right.
But maybe questioning everything is a good sign because blind complacency is about as bad as it gets.
Rough weekend. Trying to figure out who you are and who you’re trying to become is about as challenging as it gets.
I’m doing a 9-5 which I said I’d never do. But there are some base necessities I need to set up for myself and that is the sole purpose of this. I just hope there is enough time on my side for me to be able to jump Free. I am busting my balls but nowhere near hard enough. I need to be on top of my game all day every day no time for anything or anyone else. Is that right? Is that balance? Is that happiness? These are the things running through my brain. Everyone around me has love marriage and baby carriages on their brain. Am I defective? Am I going to be filled with regret later in life? Where are all MY people, the changers, the movers, the shakers, the outside of the box thinkers. I need to get on a plane and gtfo and go find my pod, my clan, my familia before this basic and regular and ordinary society gets at me and devours me whole
So it’s bye bye to anyone and anything holding me back. And if you want to get somewhere, you better be able to do that for yourself. You wait for nothing and for no one. Bitches in control take control.
I am surrounded by mediocrity and society it strengthens me until everyone starts shitting all over me out of their own insecurities and then I start to doubt myself and see how much easier it is to just conform. Then I say, fuck that shit, fuck you all and keep on going. Screw people pleasers and friend appeasers, stand up for your beliefs, get shit on and ostracized and come out the stronger. I have no respect for people that hide and cower in packs and don’t know how to survive on their own, keep searching until you’ve found your clan even if it confines you to 100 years of solitude. There is nothing without truth. Be true to yourself and neither waver nor wait on others. Be motherfucking fearless when it comes to yourself. Because you are nothing without you.
My mom wrecked her knee after a nasty fall on some ice a few months ago. I just moved into my own apartment and she’s strapped financially and I am not exactly in the position to help her until she can go back to work in March or April. Meanwhile her sisters live in comfort, her oldest one has 2 daughters that are both doctors and one has a husband that secured a tenureship at Stanford. They just went on a whirlwind trip around North America, wear Fendi glasses and Polo and carry Louis Vuitton, educate their kids at the top English schools in Seoul, and not once have they offered her any help. Not. Once.
We grew up with money and in comfort until my mom became a single parent, but whether it was when we had a lot or had less, it was always shown by example to help others where and when you could. What parents don’t teach their kids such?? These people make me sick and it’s times like these I want to track down that bastard and drag his ass to court for the 10 years of child support he owes for 2 kids; works out to be about an odd $576,000 sum amount that he is lawfully obligated to pay her.
The lesson learned here, for her and him and everyone in between, is keep your shit your top priority because the fall-off of the crap state of your being and your actions can be ruinsome to everyone attached to you whether you or they like it or not. This is why I will never EVER have children, and if by some bizarre twist of events I did, I would stop at nothing to ensure I was in my fucking top ass form and that they would always be taken care of. You don’t abandon people into the depths of a world like this. You just don’t do that shit, but thank god it was me and not some other poor untenacious regular and ordinary bitch.
Take the heat, and turn it into fire.