But maybe questioning everything is a good sign because blind complacency is about as bad as it gets.

Rough weekend. Trying to figure out who you are and who you’re trying to become is about as challenging as it gets.

I’m doing a 9-5 which I said I’d never do. But there are some base necessities I need to set up for myself and that is the sole purpose of this. I just hope there is enough time on my side for me to be able to jump Free. I am busting my balls but nowhere near hard enough. I need to be on top of my game all day every day no time for anything or anyone else. Is that right? Is that balance? Is that happiness? These are the things running through my brain. Everyone around me has love marriage and baby carriages on their brain. Am I defective? Am I going to be filled with regret later in life? Where are all MY people, the changers, the movers, the shakers, the outside of the box thinkers. I need to get on a plane and gtfo and go find my pod, my clan, my familia before this basic and regular and ordinary society gets at me and devours me whole

So it’s bye bye to anyone and anything holding me back. And if you want to get somewhere, you better be able to do that for yourself. You wait for nothing and for no one. Bitches in control take control.

I am surrounded by mediocrity and society it strengthens me until everyone starts shitting all over me out of their own insecurities and then I start to doubt myself and see how much easier it is to just conform. Then I say, fuck that shit, fuck you all and keep on going. Screw people pleasers and friend appeasers, stand up for your beliefs, get shit on and ostracized and come out the stronger. I have no respect for people that hide and cower in packs and don’t know how to survive on their own, keep searching until you’ve found your clan even if it confines you to 100 years of solitude. There is nothing without truth. Be true to yourself and neither waver nor wait on others. Be motherfucking fearless when it comes to yourself. Because you are nothing without you.

My mom wrecked her knee after a nasty fall on some ice a few months ago. I just moved into my own apartment and she’s strapped financially and I am not exactly in the position to help her until she can go back to work in March or April. Meanwhile her sisters live in comfort, her oldest one has 2 daughters that are both doctors and one has a husband that secured a tenureship at Stanford. They just went on a whirlwind trip around North America, wear Fendi glasses and Polo and carry Louis Vuitton, educate their kids at the top English schools in Seoul, and not once have they offered her any help. Not. Once.

We grew up with money and in comfort until my mom became a single parent, but whether it was when we had a lot or had less, it was always shown by example to help others where and when you could. What parents don’t teach their kids such?? These people make me sick and it’s times like these I want to track down that bastard and drag his ass to court for the 10 years of child support he owes for 2 kids; works out to be about an odd $576,000 sum amount that he is lawfully obligated to pay her.

The lesson learned here, for her and him and everyone in between, is keep your shit your top priority because the fall-off of the crap state of your being and your actions can be ruinsome to everyone attached to you whether you or they like it or not. This is why I will never EVER have children, and if by some bizarre twist of events I did, I would stop at nothing to ensure I was in my fucking top ass form and that they would always be taken care of. You don’t abandon people into the depths of a world like this. You just don’t do that shit, but thank god it was me and not some other poor untenacious regular and ordinary bitch.

Take the heat, and turn it into fire.

A journey of a year for me. Broke free from my dead end job of many years, took the challenge upon myself to make the necessary changes that would contribute to my happiness, seeked out new jobs different jobs tried new things met new people went on an epic camping trip and tried shrooms for the first time, found a new job that is my home for the current time being until I shall pick up my wings and leave this place behind for better and newer opportunities. I am excited for more growth, more change, more challenges and more progress. It truly is time for out with the same old and in with the new.

your mind is a bigot, strapped down to a gurney, mouth stuffed

open

and gaping

with a red rubber ball

your electro-shock therapy consists of 2 hours of cable television and unlimited access to a digital otherly world where you can escape your own and have your receptors stimulated but never touched doesn’t it feel good to be so protected everything behind a glass screen that is constantly trying to be more “real”

i want to take a jackhammer to concrete and chisel out the thought constraints of society

mecurial, limited, diseased

the poison of our times

the human race in decline

but is it not true

that out of chaos and destruction

we can only be recreated

so hope reigns

hope reigns that enough of us can give a good holy high shit

that the food we put into our bodies has not been re-mutated that the products we consume can be forged and produced without emptying ethyl methyl formaldehyde into our earth that compassion is no longer at the expense of power-hungry egos who want to control those they love and those they hate that we don’t need glass bubble suburban utopias to shield us from the truth of poverty and marginalization and racism and ignorance 

that the idea of perfection is forgone for honesty

and the poets can all rest in their graves without fearing the closeted homosexuals in brass knuckles and grey suits have not won the war and abraham lincoln did not grow his beard and get shot for nothing and ginsberg did not howl to be silenced and huxley did not eat peyote to shut his eyes and thompson did not light the literary tarmacs on fire to be extinguised regardless of whether his body was broken

and we ring in a new year

hoping consciousness arises 

instead of just a giant glaring lit up ball